week 14 picks

I know I'm coming in late with these, but that's what I get for waiting to start this blog until all the sure-fire winners and losers have braved the slaughter and reared their ugly heads after 13 weeks of intense football brutality. Have you SEEN some of these injury reports? By now, the Dolphins are probably putting up ads in the classified section of the Miami Herald for 300-pound men under the age of 25 who can absorb the impact of 11 other human behemoths trying like hell to kill the guy behind them. No, really, go look. (And if you're a Dolphins fan who happens to be reading this, I know even YOU'RE laughing by now.)

Week 14 picks - part I

(picks in bold)


Seattle vs. Arizona

If I were Ken Wiesenhunt right about now, I'd start praying for a miracle. He's taking his team up here to Qwest Field to face a Seahawks squad Sunday (alliteration is fun, kids!) that includes at least three defensive players who make a routine habit of eating opposing quarterbacks alive. The cards played in the Cards' favor (I'll stop with the puns, I swear) during the two teams' Week 2 meeting when Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander had an epic communication breakdown that cost a crucial possession, and an ensuing loss by a Neil Rackers field goal. With Arizona scrambling to fill empty roster slots in their secondary because of season-ending injuries to CB Eric Green and SS Adrian Wilson, I'd be shocked to see Deion Branch and Bobby Engram not be halfway across the Pacific Ocean before anyone catches them.
By the way, Eric Green's injury is listed as "torn groin." When it comes to my groin, there's a few words I don't want to hear, and "torn" has got to be up there in the top 3.


Buffalo vs. Miami

I can't help but just feel bad for Miami by now. They've lost half their team to crippling injuries and rookie QB John Beck can't seem to do anything except throw a screen pass and stare in perpetual shock. In their last four games, they haven't scored more than 13 points, and they've blown more big games than any team in the league put together. Fortunately for Miami, they still have a snowball's chance in hell at victory this Sunday, because the Bills are one of the 10 or 12 teams in the league suffering from Quarterback Deficiency Syndrome and their marquee RB is more banged up than John McClane at the end of "Die Hard." But it'd be fun to see the Pats go undefeated and the Dolphins not win a game. AND! They're in the same division. Has that ever happened?! Someone call Guinness.


St. Louis vs. Cincinnati

In Week 2 or 3, I'd have dubbed this game "The Anemic Offense Bowl," but since the return of Stephen Jackson and his magical Rastafarian haircut, the Rams haven't completely sucked. Their problem still lies in the fact that their starting QB looks like a librarian and his ribs are trying desperately to stay broken. Furthering that plight is their backup, Gus Frerrote, commonly seems to get his own team's jerseys confused with his opponent's, and the results are roughly three times more interceptions than TD passes. I'm no scientist, but this should equate to a QB rating of roughly -201.
Anyone want to make predictions on how ridiculous Chad Johnson's end zone celebrations are going to be this time around? Maybe he'll climb the wall and steal a baby and pretend to punt it through the goalposts. Does Vegas have a line on this?!


Cleveland vs. NY Jets

The Jets proved that they actually can score touchdowns last week when they stomped on the Dolphins 40-17.
Then again, that was the Dolphins.
Though Cleveland ranks at a relatively abysmal #30 in the league in pass defense, their offense is as explosive as a case of post-Taco Bell diarrhea. (And for once, that's actually a good metaphor.) QB Derek Anderson has emerged from obscurity to shape the team into an AFC Wild Card contender and to prompt headlines that feature a disturbingly high amount of the term "Cleveland Steamer." I bet the Ravens are slapping themselves right now when they realize that they not only dished out Anderson to a division rival that's now outplaying them on both sides of the field, but their former RB Jamal Lewis is now steamrolling his way to a Top-10 ranked fantasy back. (There's that goddamned expression again!!)
Did I mention the Jets' defense isn't just anemic, it's bulimic? It's like Kate Moss at an all-night buffet. It's horrible.


Dallas vs. Detroit

Wade Phillips might be known to be collapse under pressure in the playoffs (ironically a lot like Romo did last year), but as far as collapses go, the Lions have no one to blame except either God or John Kitna. Or both, if you think about Kitna's bold would-be prophecy of the team winning 10 games this year before the season started.
Kitna, take a lesson from the Joey Porter School of Good Times to Shut the Hell Up - don't be the 6,483rd athlete in the past decade to a) incorporate God somehow into your gameplan and b) come out blabbing to half the planet about setting the bar ridiculously high for a team that has a history of more flops than Brian De Palma. (Don't get me wrong, I love De Palma, but the box office doesn't.)
I mean, crap, even T.O. wasn't that vocal before the season started! Jesus! (Literally!)