Jacksonville at Pittsburgh
I don't hope the Jaguars win so much as I hope the Steelers lose. And keep losing. They have a loudmouth nobody for a starting safety and an overwhelming amount of jackasses littered throughout their entire roster. Besides, they're not playing like they have a 9-4 record (I don't care if they just lost at New England) and Jacksonville is heating up like crazy. If any team in the AFC stands a snowball's chance in hell at beating New England, it's the Jags.
Seattle at Carolina
The Panthers have had more starting quarterbacks this year than Tom Brady has girlfriends, but it doesn't matter. Any QB they throw against the Seahawks is going to get put through four quarters of being harassed by a human garbage disposal and a couple of bloodthirsty pumas - Seattle defensive studs Patrick Kerney, Julian Peterson and Daryl Tapp.
And isn't Carolina something like No. 33 in special teams this year? If their punting unit is stupid enough to kick to Nate Burleson, I'm taking a drink every time that happens. I don't care if the game starts at 10 a.m. here. I don't!
And if Nate scores a TD on a punt or kickoff return, I'm breaking out the Jager.
Green Bay at St. Louis
I'm just gonna call it right now - the final score of this game will be a lot to a little. The Rams might have gotten some offensive spunk back, but even if Marc Bulger comes back from his 204 injuries he's suffered this season, it won't be enough to stop the Packers' explosive offense with Favre throwing like it's 1995.
On a side note, i think Al Harris and Stephen Jackson should compare dreadlocks before the game starts to see which one of them gets to take home the "Best Predator Look-alike" trophy.
Baltimore at Miami
This is a potentially catastrophic matchup for a Dolphins team that's more battered and beaten down then the average housewife in the state of Texas.
The Ravens are mad as hell and they're not gonna take it anymore, but that of course doesn't necessarily mean they'll sprout some kind of miraculous late-season resurgence and actually start winning games. It does mean, however, that the possibility of them hitting Cleo Lemon harder than a freight train smacking into a scarecrow is very real. If I were Cam Cameron right about now, I'd keep Dan Marino's number on speed dial. It's either that or get ready to dust off Jeff George.
Arizona at New Orleans
After starting the season like he was a blinded gimp, Drew Brees has hit the stride that bitter fantasy owners everywhere expected him to hit in Week 1. (Cough.)
They may be without Reggie Bush, but the Saints look like they're not gonna be stopped by Hell or high water (or the city of New Orleans in August of 2005) on making a playoff run for the second year in a row. Naturally, they could manage to fall apart at just the right moment and reduce Sean Payton's nerves to fried jell-o, but I'm taking them to beat an Arizona team that got its ass handed to it up here in Seattle last weekend. Neither team is a sleeper by any means, and if you disagree, you're the one who's probably asleep.
Buffalo at Cleveland
If you told me in Week 2 or 3 that this game in Week 15 would be a pivotal playoff matchup for two playoff contenders, I'd have laughed at your utterly bat-shit clairvoyant abilities.
After reading the disturbingly high number of headlines from Cleveland newspapers that included the term "Cleveland steamer," though, I'm this close to being a full-blown believer that the Browns (and possibly the Vikings) could be the league's two scariest squads on the rise right now. And the craziest part? Before this year, no one knew who the hell that kid Derek Anderson was. Now, he'll probably have half the NFL banging down his door during the offseason.
I don't see a way for Buffalo, the "good bad team," to find a way to stop Anderson and his favorite target Braylon Edwards at home.
Washington at NY Giants
Sentiment aside for the 'Skins, I hate to be an asshole analyst (does anyone else wonder if it's just a coincidence that "analyst" is "anal" with a -yst added at the end?!), but the Giants are playing pretty damn good ball right now. If they have a weakness, it's Eli, and the depleted Redskins defense should try to eat him alive every chance they get.
I'd love to see the Redskins pull of an unlikely underdog victory, but I'm not sure if I see that happening.
Indy at Oakland
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAhAhaha. HA. HAha. haha. hahaha.
Next.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Week 15 picks
Ok, I know, I know - I slacked on half the picks from last week, but I blame my job forcing me to write about shit that isn't nearly as exciting as football. (Yes, I am actually a professional journalist. Imagine that?! A blogger who doubles as a real journalist. That's like Spider-Man's real identity being Batman. It's just that cool.)
Some intriguing matchups are on the board this week, and I'm still on a gigantic natural high after watching my Seahawks pound the living shit out of the Cardinals to seal up their fourth consecutive NFC West title. And before you start scoffing at the credibility of the NFC West, might I refer you to the projections made before the season began that the 49ers would somehow rocket their way into winning the division while the Seahawks cracked under the pressure of a tough schedule.
Oh ye of little faith....
Week 15 Picks - favorite in bold
Cincinnati vs. San Francisco
For all his strange touchdown celebrations involving a TV camera, a football, a top hat and sadly no baby from the stands as I conjectured last week, Chad Johnson is a great example of a great player on a talented team that can't seem to make big plays when it matters. Frank Caliendo's sign last week said it best: "HEY, JACKASS, YOUR TEAM IS STILL 5-8!"
Still, a visit to San Francisco this year in the NFL is all but a guaranteed win, except if your team happens to be the Miami Dolphins. I think the Sunny Oaks Senior Citizens' team in Boca Raton stands a chance against them right now.
Tennessee vs. Kansas City
When you have a human garbage disposal like Albert Haynesworth on your defensive line, any opposing team's running back isn't going to sleep very well the night before the game. I mean, look at Kolby Smith - he's a banged-up rookie on a struggling team who had a couple promising moments, but I'm sure Haynesworth will be staring him down before every snap and picturing how good he'd look as a side dish to a Brodie Croyle or Damon Huard entree. Yikes.
Atlanta vs. Tampa Bay
The Falcons now get the award for "Most Demoralized Team in NFL history." Seriously, how can they even bring themselves to playing football right now? Their one-man highlight reel of a QB is currently taking showers with huge men that aren't football players, their coach just packed up and took off in the middle of the night as if he were a drunk who suddenly woke up surrounded by fat chicks, they're on their 45th starting quarterback for the year, and their top-tier running back is Jerious Norwood. Next.
San Diego vs. Detroit
This is my "Mike, what the hell are you thinking?!" pick of the week. I know the Chargers are probably going to dominate the Lions (or, as my buddy Timmay in Detroit likes to call them, the "Loins,") but Phillip Rivers is playing like he's never seen a football before and has been seen on national television telling his own fans in his own stadium to "SHUT UP." Besides, it's only a matter of time until Norv Turner cracks like an egg and LT calls another players-only meeting that turns into a group intervention. Kitna, listen up: Pray to your favorite divine entity extra-hard Saturday night, because you don't want to be 6-8.
New England vs. NY Jets
Everyone's going to be watching this one just for the sheer amusement factor of the post-game handshake (if it's even going to be that) between Bill Bellichick and Eric Mangini. It's the exact same reason why people watch reality TV. It's like a car wreck you just can't look away from. ADMIT IT!
I think Bellichick should just leave a camera and a note in the Jets' locker room before the game that says, "Feel free to use at your own discretion."
Part II to come....
Some intriguing matchups are on the board this week, and I'm still on a gigantic natural high after watching my Seahawks pound the living shit out of the Cardinals to seal up their fourth consecutive NFC West title. And before you start scoffing at the credibility of the NFC West, might I refer you to the projections made before the season began that the 49ers would somehow rocket their way into winning the division while the Seahawks cracked under the pressure of a tough schedule.
Oh ye of little faith....
Week 15 Picks - favorite in bold
Cincinnati vs. San Francisco
For all his strange touchdown celebrations involving a TV camera, a football, a top hat and sadly no baby from the stands as I conjectured last week, Chad Johnson is a great example of a great player on a talented team that can't seem to make big plays when it matters. Frank Caliendo's sign last week said it best: "HEY, JACKASS, YOUR TEAM IS STILL 5-8!"
Still, a visit to San Francisco this year in the NFL is all but a guaranteed win, except if your team happens to be the Miami Dolphins. I think the Sunny Oaks Senior Citizens' team in Boca Raton stands a chance against them right now.
Tennessee vs. Kansas City
When you have a human garbage disposal like Albert Haynesworth on your defensive line, any opposing team's running back isn't going to sleep very well the night before the game. I mean, look at Kolby Smith - he's a banged-up rookie on a struggling team who had a couple promising moments, but I'm sure Haynesworth will be staring him down before every snap and picturing how good he'd look as a side dish to a Brodie Croyle or Damon Huard entree. Yikes.
Atlanta vs. Tampa Bay
The Falcons now get the award for "Most Demoralized Team in NFL history." Seriously, how can they even bring themselves to playing football right now? Their one-man highlight reel of a QB is currently taking showers with huge men that aren't football players, their coach just packed up and took off in the middle of the night as if he were a drunk who suddenly woke up surrounded by fat chicks, they're on their 45th starting quarterback for the year, and their top-tier running back is Jerious Norwood. Next.
San Diego vs. Detroit
This is my "Mike, what the hell are you thinking?!" pick of the week. I know the Chargers are probably going to dominate the Lions (or, as my buddy Timmay in Detroit likes to call them, the "Loins,") but Phillip Rivers is playing like he's never seen a football before and has been seen on national television telling his own fans in his own stadium to "SHUT UP." Besides, it's only a matter of time until Norv Turner cracks like an egg and LT calls another players-only meeting that turns into a group intervention. Kitna, listen up: Pray to your favorite divine entity extra-hard Saturday night, because you don't want to be 6-8.
New England vs. NY Jets
Everyone's going to be watching this one just for the sheer amusement factor of the post-game handshake (if it's even going to be that) between Bill Bellichick and Eric Mangini. It's the exact same reason why people watch reality TV. It's like a car wreck you just can't look away from. ADMIT IT!
I think Bellichick should just leave a camera and a note in the Jets' locker room before the game that says, "Feel free to use at your own discretion."
Part II to come....
Friday, December 7, 2007
week 14 picks - part 2
Green Bay vs. Oakland
No matter if Iron Man Favre is still banged up or not, the Packers are going to send Oakland packing. If Favre is healthy, (which looks like what we're gonna see), then expect him to fire long bombs to Greg Jennings and Donald Driver over the Raiders' heads before the Black Hole in the Bay Area knows what the hell's going on.
I don't care if the RAIDUHS start JaMarcus Russell, LaMont Jordan or Shaquille O'Neal. I think they have a serious hangover from an abysmal 2006 season, which comes concurrently with a permanent case of Art Shell Face.
OK, maybe not permanent, but I'm predicting someone needs to kill Al Davis before anything actually goes right for this team.
NY Giants vs. Philadelphia
How pissed do the Eagles have to be by now? They left Foxborough with a would-be victory two weeks ago, and then Seattle came to town and Lofa Tatupu singlehandedly took a crap on any collective morale they would've built up after that point. Headlines in the City of Brotherly Love said the Eagles have "lost that lovin' Feeley" in reference of course to backup QB A.J Feeley throwing more completions to Seahawks in the first quarter than he did to his own team.
Meanwhile, Ol' Eli is teetering on the verge of another second-half collapse with the Giants, and they have to be equally pissed off. I can only imagine Tom Coughlin's face during practice, and whether or not Eli painted a Hitler mustache on his portrait in the locker room yet.
Minnesota vs. San Francisco
If Tavaris Jackson can stop looking like he's constantly watching a 10-car pileup involving some of his family members in rush hour traffic, the Vikes might be able to magically create themselves a passing game. If not, then they're gonna stick to the old "give AP the ball" strategy and let him run for another 574 yards in six minutes. I think he might even set Mike Nolan's Annoying Power Tie #23 on fire if he gets close enough to the sideline.
And any Niners fan who reads this and gets defensive, please. Take a Vicodin and go back to sleep, because that's what your team's been doing all season anyway.
Tennessee vs. San Diego
Why did LT wait 11 weeks before calling a players-only meeting that said "hey guys, um...maybe we're underachieving just a bit here." And then they fire back with an explosive bludgeoning of the paper-thin Denver Broncos defense and fooled the world into thinking they were the same team from the 2006 season.
Sorry, San Diego, but when your entire crowd is audibly chanting the former coach's name on national television during an embarrassing loss, you're a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
Still, the Titans are on the skids, and LT is looking like his former-MVP self. But I'm still being cautious with this one.
No matter if Iron Man Favre is still banged up or not, the Packers are going to send Oakland packing. If Favre is healthy, (which looks like what we're gonna see), then expect him to fire long bombs to Greg Jennings and Donald Driver over the Raiders' heads before the Black Hole in the Bay Area knows what the hell's going on.
I don't care if the RAIDUHS start JaMarcus Russell, LaMont Jordan or Shaquille O'Neal. I think they have a serious hangover from an abysmal 2006 season, which comes concurrently with a permanent case of Art Shell Face.
OK, maybe not permanent, but I'm predicting someone needs to kill Al Davis before anything actually goes right for this team.
NY Giants vs. Philadelphia
How pissed do the Eagles have to be by now? They left Foxborough with a would-be victory two weeks ago, and then Seattle came to town and Lofa Tatupu singlehandedly took a crap on any collective morale they would've built up after that point. Headlines in the City of Brotherly Love said the Eagles have "lost that lovin' Feeley" in reference of course to backup QB A.J Feeley throwing more completions to Seahawks in the first quarter than he did to his own team.
Meanwhile, Ol' Eli is teetering on the verge of another second-half collapse with the Giants, and they have to be equally pissed off. I can only imagine Tom Coughlin's face during practice, and whether or not Eli painted a Hitler mustache on his portrait in the locker room yet.
Minnesota vs. San Francisco
If Tavaris Jackson can stop looking like he's constantly watching a 10-car pileup involving some of his family members in rush hour traffic, the Vikes might be able to magically create themselves a passing game. If not, then they're gonna stick to the old "give AP the ball" strategy and let him run for another 574 yards in six minutes. I think he might even set Mike Nolan's Annoying Power Tie #23 on fire if he gets close enough to the sideline.
And any Niners fan who reads this and gets defensive, please. Take a Vicodin and go back to sleep, because that's what your team's been doing all season anyway.
Tennessee vs. San Diego
Why did LT wait 11 weeks before calling a players-only meeting that said "hey guys, um...maybe we're underachieving just a bit here." And then they fire back with an explosive bludgeoning of the paper-thin Denver Broncos defense and fooled the world into thinking they were the same team from the 2006 season.
Sorry, San Diego, but when your entire crowd is audibly chanting the former coach's name on national television during an embarrassing loss, you're a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
Still, the Titans are on the skids, and LT is looking like his former-MVP self. But I'm still being cautious with this one.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
week 14 picks
I know I'm coming in late with these, but that's what I get for waiting to start this blog until all the sure-fire winners and losers have braved the slaughter and reared their ugly heads after 13 weeks of intense football brutality. Have you SEEN some of these injury reports? By now, the Dolphins are probably putting up ads in the classified section of the Miami Herald for 300-pound men under the age of 25 who can absorb the impact of 11 other human behemoths trying like hell to kill the guy behind them. No, really, go look. (And if you're a Dolphins fan who happens to be reading this, I know even YOU'RE laughing by now.)
Week 14 picks - part I
(picks in bold)
Seattle vs. Arizona
If I were Ken Wiesenhunt right about now, I'd start praying for a miracle. He's taking his team up here to Qwest Field to face a Seahawks squad Sunday (alliteration is fun, kids!) that includes at least three defensive players who make a routine habit of eating opposing quarterbacks alive. The cards played in the Cards' favor (I'll stop with the puns, I swear) during the two teams' Week 2 meeting when Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander had an epic communication breakdown that cost a crucial possession, and an ensuing loss by a Neil Rackers field goal. With Arizona scrambling to fill empty roster slots in their secondary because of season-ending injuries to CB Eric Green and SS Adrian Wilson, I'd be shocked to see Deion Branch and Bobby Engram not be halfway across the Pacific Ocean before anyone catches them.
By the way, Eric Green's injury is listed as "torn groin." When it comes to my groin, there's a few words I don't want to hear, and "torn" has got to be up there in the top 3.
Buffalo vs. Miami
I can't help but just feel bad for Miami by now. They've lost half their team to crippling injuries and rookie QB John Beck can't seem to do anything except throw a screen pass and stare in perpetual shock. In their last four games, they haven't scored more than 13 points, and they've blown more big games than any team in the league put together. Fortunately for Miami, they still have a snowball's chance in hell at victory this Sunday, because the Bills are one of the 10 or 12 teams in the league suffering from Quarterback Deficiency Syndrome and their marquee RB is more banged up than John McClane at the end of "Die Hard." But it'd be fun to see the Pats go undefeated and the Dolphins not win a game. AND! They're in the same division. Has that ever happened?! Someone call Guinness.
St. Louis vs. Cincinnati
In Week 2 or 3, I'd have dubbed this game "The Anemic Offense Bowl," but since the return of Stephen Jackson and his magical Rastafarian haircut, the Rams haven't completely sucked. Their problem still lies in the fact that their starting QB looks like a librarian and his ribs are trying desperately to stay broken. Furthering that plight is their backup, Gus Frerrote, commonly seems to get his own team's jerseys confused with his opponent's, and the results are roughly three times more interceptions than TD passes. I'm no scientist, but this should equate to a QB rating of roughly -201.
Anyone want to make predictions on how ridiculous Chad Johnson's end zone celebrations are going to be this time around? Maybe he'll climb the wall and steal a baby and pretend to punt it through the goalposts. Does Vegas have a line on this?!
Cleveland vs. NY Jets
The Jets proved that they actually can score touchdowns last week when they stomped on the Dolphins 40-17.
Then again, that was the Dolphins.
Though Cleveland ranks at a relatively abysmal #30 in the league in pass defense, their offense is as explosive as a case of post-Taco Bell diarrhea. (And for once, that's actually a good metaphor.) QB Derek Anderson has emerged from obscurity to shape the team into an AFC Wild Card contender and to prompt headlines that feature a disturbingly high amount of the term "Cleveland Steamer." I bet the Ravens are slapping themselves right now when they realize that they not only dished out Anderson to a division rival that's now outplaying them on both sides of the field, but their former RB Jamal Lewis is now steamrolling his way to a Top-10 ranked fantasy back. (There's that goddamned expression again!!)
Did I mention the Jets' defense isn't just anemic, it's bulimic? It's like Kate Moss at an all-night buffet. It's horrible.
Dallas vs. Detroit
Wade Phillips might be known to be collapse under pressure in the playoffs (ironically a lot like Romo did last year), but as far as collapses go, the Lions have no one to blame except either God or John Kitna. Or both, if you think about Kitna's bold would-be prophecy of the team winning 10 games this year before the season started.
Kitna, take a lesson from the Joey Porter School of Good Times to Shut the Hell Up - don't be the 6,483rd athlete in the past decade to a) incorporate God somehow into your gameplan and b) come out blabbing to half the planet about setting the bar ridiculously high for a team that has a history of more flops than Brian De Palma. (Don't get me wrong, I love De Palma, but the box office doesn't.)
I mean, crap, even T.O. wasn't that vocal before the season started! Jesus! (Literally!)
Week 14 picks - part I
(picks in bold)
Seattle vs. Arizona
If I were Ken Wiesenhunt right about now, I'd start praying for a miracle. He's taking his team up here to Qwest Field to face a Seahawks squad Sunday (alliteration is fun, kids!) that includes at least three defensive players who make a routine habit of eating opposing quarterbacks alive. The cards played in the Cards' favor (I'll stop with the puns, I swear) during the two teams' Week 2 meeting when Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander had an epic communication breakdown that cost a crucial possession, and an ensuing loss by a Neil Rackers field goal. With Arizona scrambling to fill empty roster slots in their secondary because of season-ending injuries to CB Eric Green and SS Adrian Wilson, I'd be shocked to see Deion Branch and Bobby Engram not be halfway across the Pacific Ocean before anyone catches them.
By the way, Eric Green's injury is listed as "torn groin." When it comes to my groin, there's a few words I don't want to hear, and "torn" has got to be up there in the top 3.
Buffalo vs. Miami
I can't help but just feel bad for Miami by now. They've lost half their team to crippling injuries and rookie QB John Beck can't seem to do anything except throw a screen pass and stare in perpetual shock. In their last four games, they haven't scored more than 13 points, and they've blown more big games than any team in the league put together. Fortunately for Miami, they still have a snowball's chance in hell at victory this Sunday, because the Bills are one of the 10 or 12 teams in the league suffering from Quarterback Deficiency Syndrome and their marquee RB is more banged up than John McClane at the end of "Die Hard." But it'd be fun to see the Pats go undefeated and the Dolphins not win a game. AND! They're in the same division. Has that ever happened?! Someone call Guinness.
St. Louis vs. Cincinnati
In Week 2 or 3, I'd have dubbed this game "The Anemic Offense Bowl," but since the return of Stephen Jackson and his magical Rastafarian haircut, the Rams haven't completely sucked. Their problem still lies in the fact that their starting QB looks like a librarian and his ribs are trying desperately to stay broken. Furthering that plight is their backup, Gus Frerrote, commonly seems to get his own team's jerseys confused with his opponent's, and the results are roughly three times more interceptions than TD passes. I'm no scientist, but this should equate to a QB rating of roughly -201.
Anyone want to make predictions on how ridiculous Chad Johnson's end zone celebrations are going to be this time around? Maybe he'll climb the wall and steal a baby and pretend to punt it through the goalposts. Does Vegas have a line on this?!
Cleveland vs. NY Jets
The Jets proved that they actually can score touchdowns last week when they stomped on the Dolphins 40-17.
Then again, that was the Dolphins.
Though Cleveland ranks at a relatively abysmal #30 in the league in pass defense, their offense is as explosive as a case of post-Taco Bell diarrhea. (And for once, that's actually a good metaphor.) QB Derek Anderson has emerged from obscurity to shape the team into an AFC Wild Card contender and to prompt headlines that feature a disturbingly high amount of the term "Cleveland Steamer." I bet the Ravens are slapping themselves right now when they realize that they not only dished out Anderson to a division rival that's now outplaying them on both sides of the field, but their former RB Jamal Lewis is now steamrolling his way to a Top-10 ranked fantasy back. (There's that goddamned expression again!!)
Did I mention the Jets' defense isn't just anemic, it's bulimic? It's like Kate Moss at an all-night buffet. It's horrible.
Dallas vs. Detroit
Wade Phillips might be known to be collapse under pressure in the playoffs (ironically a lot like Romo did last year), but as far as collapses go, the Lions have no one to blame except either God or John Kitna. Or both, if you think about Kitna's bold would-be prophecy of the team winning 10 games this year before the season started.
Kitna, take a lesson from the Joey Porter School of Good Times to Shut the Hell Up - don't be the 6,483rd athlete in the past decade to a) incorporate God somehow into your gameplan and b) come out blabbing to half the planet about setting the bar ridiculously high for a team that has a history of more flops than Brian De Palma. (Don't get me wrong, I love De Palma, but the box office doesn't.)
I mean, crap, even T.O. wasn't that vocal before the season started! Jesus! (Literally!)
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