Being the energy drink connoisseur that I am, I decided to purchase one of these cans of liquid crack last night on a drunken stumble home from a concert. And after ingesting it this morning in lieu of my regular morning coffee, I've come to a shocking conclusion.
This stuff is just horrible. Just fucking horrible.
Each can apparently contains 225 ml of caffeine, which upon consumption I'm pretty sure has the same effect as 4 tabs of pure mescaline. Thank FUCK I finished the godawful concoction before my meeting with 3 editors and the department manager this morning, because I would've been a shaking wreck by the time we got halfway through.
"So Mike, what do you think of the new section we're planning? Should it still launch March 12?"
"PANDAS DO NOT BELONG IN THE MILITARY! ORDERS FROM CAPTAIN ZEEP!!"
*perplexed silence*
"HOBGOBLINS!!!"
After that, I'd likely make a quick escape to save myself the SHAME of having to sit through the rest of the meeting when everyone quite clearly knows I'm already off my goddamned rocker. Might make for a bit of uncomfortable half-hour, wouldn't you say?
Because when you raise this can of terrible liquid to your lips and proceed to pour it down your throat and into your belly, be advised: you are catapulting yourself into a world of shit.
Upon the first few sips, you feel like you're tasting coffee with a small hint of something far more potent and sinister than just caffeine. If you can dismiss the notion that this mystery substance isn't in fact 12 grams of Columbian cocaine, keep drinking. If you do think it's cocaine, for the love of christ, don't drink this stuff in a public place full of strangers, because you're about 20 minutes away from losing your goddamned mind.
Twenty or so minutes. That is the length of time that will pass before you feel much of anything but the slightest whisper of a buzz. If you've had most of the can by now, you might feel twitchy; not unlike the first rising vibes from a double-tall mocha from Starbucks. But after the point where you've put away the majority of the beverage, (or, god help you, the whole thing), it becomes a struggle to stay still and to maintain any composure or rational thought.
The fierce rush of the caffeine suddenly launches itself into an all-guns-blazing assault on your auditory and nervous systems, making all sounds slightly more intense and creating a complete inability to sit still for longer than 5 seconds. The horror you abruptly find yourself in threatens to envelop your mind absolutely, but you soon find you have the power to speak coherently if you concentrate. Otherwise, you end up sounding like a babbling lunatic, and you probably won't look much better than you sound. You'll be wild-eyed, paranoid and downright shaky. Your brain will be screaming at you to regain control of yourself, but the inner voice ends up getting lost in a sea of much more intriguing thoughts, such as
"What...just...happened?! I must understand this madness...wait...wait, who's that? Who is she?! Dear god has she been there the whole time? Maybe she's watching me. Maybe she knows what's happening now. Maybe I look crazy. I should probably go freshen up a bit. Sure, why not? I have to piss anyway. This could be bad business. This feeling...it's....oh wow, wait....there's...WORK...am I......WORKING?! Fuck, I hate when this happens. I'm in the goddamned office and completely unable to hold a coherent thought pattern, AND I HAVE TO WRITE! These bastards won't know what hit them, yes...yes, they'll all PAY, I tell you, PAY...I have to g.."
And then, the mystery woman will float your way from out of nowhere and say your name casually to get your attention on this week's marketing material.
"JESUS GOD, WHAT?!" you croak in response, scaring the living shit out of everyone in a 12-block radius.
"I....thought....well," she'll say, trying not to look petrified, "why don't you look over this and...then...you can get back to me."
"Yes, why don't I do that?!" you'll reply hastily and snatch the papers out of her hand before you know what you're doing.
Another 10 minutes might pass, and you'll begin to feel lost, confused or completely batshit, and then is about the time when you start to think it'd be a good idea to let the world know just what your state of mind is right then. You might write an unscrupulous email to a co-worker; maybe the girl you just scared into resigning. You'll try to explain yourself, but it's no use. You can't think of anything appropriate to say to defuse the awkward situation that just transpired, but you'll send a disjointed attempt at clearing the air anyway.
But, more than likely, it's probably too late. With luck, she'll be scarred only for the next few days, and the boss will be able to talk her out of quitting just because some caffeine-crazed freak blew up at her from out of nowhere for no good reason at all.
But then again, maybe you'll turn back to that wretched beverage the next morning. And then, the office will become a very dangerous place.
1 comment:
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