divisional weekend picks

As soon as I saw Marcus Trufant grab that horribly thrown Todd Collins lob that seemed to be more intended for Trufant than whatever oblivious receiver he was aiming for, I knew the tides were dramatically shifting in not only that memorable Wild Card win, but for the rest of Seahawks postseason.

If that seems like a bold statement, well, I have no brilliant retort. The Seahawks are the heavily criticized underdog going into tomorrow's game at Lambeau, I know that much. I also know they're as deadly as any postseason counterparts out there right now, but flying under the radar is what they've always done best. They come out, they play, and their defense eats 220-lb quarterbacks alive. Actually, now that I think about it a bit, this is the first starting QB the 'hawks have gone up against in the past seven games - the rest have been backup fodder.

But the fact that it's Brett Favre does scare the piss out of me. Just a little bit. Hell, I won't lie, I probably won't sleep much tonight. I'll probably resort to drinking away this strange & uneasy feeling and wake up tomorrow hoping I can conquer a hangover in time to make it across town to watch the game with some friends who will no doubt be in the same mental state as I will, but ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT from me, I'll babble on forever and your heads will be spinning like tops while I sit here chugging more porter and you're left wondering who the fuck I actually am and what I'm spiking my beer with. (And no, you can't have any.)

Divisional playoff weekend picks:


Seattle over GREEN BAY

This, in my humble opinion, WILL be the NFC game to watch this weekend. You can have your Cowboys/Giants matchup, with Tony Romo looking like a lost puppy for 3 quarters while the Giants' defensive line licks their chops and eats the bastard for breakfast and turns him upside down for his lunch money and Jessica Simpson's phone number. WHOOPS! I heard she wasn't allowed in the stadium tomorrow, which I think is both a good idea and crazily silly at the same time. Since when does a woman's presence at a football game have that much bearing on its outcome?! Does this mean I can't bring anymore dates to Seahawk games?! Are they really even interested in the first place?! Do they think I'm nuts?!?

No, no...you know who's fucking bat-shit right about now?! Chris Collinsworth. During the Seahawks-Redskins game last week, he mentioned Sean Taylor's name 284 times in the span of one quarter. He even resorted to saying "AT LEAST THREE OF THE REDSKINS BELIEVE SEAN TAYLOR IS ON THE FIELD WITH THEM RIGHT NOW" at one point. Fucking christ, I thought, either the guy's turning into Billy Graham or he's searching for his own ill-fated feel-good story that's destined to be churned out by Disney and Sean Astin in another 6 months. Oh, wait, they already did that.

The Seahawks might be facing a horrendous amount of pressure with this game on the line - there's more to it than just the score, if you've been paying attention as of late. Mike Holmgren might base his potential retirement on the outcome, and it woud be a gigantic achievement to one-up Favre at Lambeau in the playoffs, where they've been defeated only once. And guess what, folks, the magic number is "one" here, because that's how many road playoff victories the Seahawks have to date.

Despite the lack of a potent running game, the Seahawks have a list of options that's longer than Bill Gates' resume'. They can throw to their fullback (who can break tackles and score). They can confuse defenses with the complicated formations that come in the West Coast Offense package. They can contain pressure on Hasselbeck and make huge plays, especially with this group of inexperienced and young Packers.

Favre alone can't hold a team together, and the Seahawks have been here before. They know what's at stake here, and I simply can't shun the fact that their arsenal of weapons has a) playoff experience and b) a solid matchup on every position on the field. It'll be close, but count on the Seahawks to go in for the kill when it counts.


Jacksonville at NEW ENGLAND

You're going to think Chris Collinsworth is taking a back seat to me in the gone-totally-bat-shit category when I say this, but the Jaguars pulled out a pretty improbable win at Pittsburgh last weekend, and I think they have the right squad to be the one team this year that spoils the New England Patriots' run at perfection.

Winning in Foxborough is no easy task, don't get me wrong - but after watching Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew combine to make the most ridiculously unstoppable running back duo in the NFL, you can't tell me they aren't capable of staying on the field for hours at a time and pound the living shit out of New England's defense for most of a half. Plus, let's be honest for a second - keeping Tom Brady off the field is pretty much a must if you're planning on beating the Patriots, whether it's in New England, Jacksonville, Australia or the moon.

But even with guys like Marcus Stroud on IR, the Jags' defense is a force to be reckoned with, and the Pats have to respect that. Maroney can be stopped, so the secondary is going to have to step up and play out-of-their-mind football to stop Moss. Don't be surprised to see them go dime-formation on pretty much every down to contain guys like Welker and Jabar Gaffney, who gets the "who the fuck is this guy?!" award for the second half of the season on a team that seemed to leave no room for anyone else.

(Also, if David Garrard throws anywhere above two picks by the third quarter, I renounce everything I've said and the Jags are fucked. Just sayin'.)


INDIANAPOLIS over San Diego

Remember last week when I said Norv Turner's collapse will have to wait another week until after an unconvincing win over the Titans? Well, guess what, kids!

THE WAIT IS OVER.

Phillip Rivers is the worst QB in the playoffs, and he proved that last week by throwing more idiot long bombs into enemy territory than a blind Japanese infantry soldier at the battle of Normandy.

The Chargers may have ran away with a win in that game, but keep in mind they were down 6-0 for three quarters until Vince Young decided to hand over the aforementioned "worst QB in the playoffs" award to Rivers and say "here, take it and RUN TO INDY! Why would I want to take my team there and get destroyed 35-0 on national television?! Go right ahead!! AAHAHA!!"

Or, something like that at least. I'm not sure what was going on inside his head at that moment, but I'm not paid to figure out shit like that.

I mean, doesn't it just make you laugh out loud when you think about the QB matchup in this game?! Phil Rivers vs. Peyton Manning. Try to say that a couple times in your head and see if you're not at least grinning maniacally by the end of it. Okay, I've had a few drinks, maybe it's only funny if you're me, right here, right now. Who knows?!

Oh, and LT, sorry in advance at the sea of laughter you'll get when you're shown on the sideline sulking and refusing to sit on the same bench as your quarterback. It's okay, we understand.


New York Giants over DALLAS

I dunno about you, but all I can think about right now is last year's infamous Romo-snap-botch that led the Cowboys to fall flat on their faces up here in Seattle, and the glorious array of animated gif's that followed (most of which still even entertain me today.)

Now, I'm not saying that Romo will pull another stupendous blunder when it counts this year, but I really think the Giants are a better team right now. They dismantled a versatile but predictable Tampa Bay team last week on their home turf, after the Giants' defensive coordinator just sat there WATCHING THE GAME for any period of time. Jeff Garcia was easy to figure out, and his pass protection was iffy at best. They exploited the Bucs' weaknesses and it ended up being a blowout by the 4th quarter because of that.

Ask yourself this question: If the Giants played that well last weekend and nearly beat the Patriots in Foxborough, are the Cowboys really going to be able to stand up what they're going to throw at them? I have a seriously goddamned hard time believing that Tony Romo isn't going to pull another "blame-Jessica-Simpson" act when all is said and done.

And hey, maybe T.O. might plan on making headlines again with another attention-whore tactic disguised as a suicide attempt!

(Don't call me sick & twisted, the NFL season is almost over and I need to start thinking of things that're gonna amuse me in the meantime.)