Random musings from a disgruntled observer

Retired military officers being used by Pentagon for Fox News puppets, NY Times says

2008-04-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

This evidence in a report by the New York Times is more damning to the Bush administration than anything I've seen in the past few months.

"It was them saying, 'We need to stick our hands up your back and move your mouth for you,'" Robert S. Bevelacqua, a retired Green Beret and former Fox News analyst, said.

Of course, this likely won't do anything to expedite any legal proceedings that these criminals in the White House need to face. I'm also almost certain that in two days' time, the average American will not have a clue that this report was even published.

Ironic? Yes.

Inexcusable? Very.

well, this could suck

2008-04-04T15:34:00.000-07:00

Take a moment and watch this.

So, let me get this straight - this machine could potentially take the planet and shove its head so far up its own ass that we could suddenly be seeing alternate dimensions? Sounds like we're either ultimately fucked or going to be spending the rest of our lives seeing what it was like to be Robert Downey Jr. on any given night in the mid-90s.

Either way, this is disturbing. I mean, the mere possibility of alternate/parallel dimensions is undeniably awesome, and I'm willing to entertain that notion. But the fact that they're developing this super-atomizing ass-plow in some underground laboratory and just waiting to push the big red button makes me raise an eyebrow and wonder how the hell they're getting the funding for this.

"So, Dr. Cox, what does this machine do exactly?"

"It re-creates the conditions we think were happening at the time of the Big Bang."

"So....how does it work?"

"Well, it fires a bunch of massive proton beams that crash into each other at the rate of about 800,000 per second, which could possibly open the doorway to alternate dimensions."

"Oh, playing god again? Sounds like fun."

"Indeed, sir."

*writes check*

"There you go. Have fun!"

I'm not scientifically-savvy enough to really know what the hell might become of things should this scenario go completely awry, but let me just say one thing:

If everything goes to hell, I'm calling this guy -

it's all "The Rage" if you like putrid filmmaking

2008-02-28T11:26:00.000-08:00

It's a "classic splatter-fest," they said.

It's "one hell of a gory good time," they said.

But after enduring what could've been the longest 86 minutes of my life at the hands of this movie, Robert Kurtzman's "The Rage," I can safely say that I'm never believing anybody who endorses this movie ever again.

I must admit, however, that being the horror film junkie that I am, I was sucked in by this film's appealing cover, with said endorsements peppering the graphic of a rather unhealthy-looking face trapped in a cannister of mystery liquid. Seeing that it was directed by the dude who did makeup for a lot of 80s horror movies, such as "Friday the 13th" and a couple "Night of the Living Dead" installments if I'm not mistaken, I decided to give it a shot. (Hell, I was bored on a weeknight and my girlfriend was busy. What to do besides rent schlocky horror movies and drink beer, right?!)

Wrong.

Something should've triggered a red flag somewhere in my head when I realized "The Rage" was directed by a dude who normally does makeup, but inexplicably, I rented the fucking thing anyway.

The film stars two people named Andrew Divoff and Erin Brown (the latter of which has a resume' that includes a starring role in "Bikini Women on Dinosaur Island.") Divoff plays your stereotypical misunderstood German mad scientist who's pissed at the world because the gestapo came and destroyed his research when they found out he discovered the cure for cancer. They stole his ideas and tied him up in some secret prison somewhere to torture the living shit out of him for some time to come, which of course drove him completely insane. AND! AND! GASP! This mysterious cure for cancer was "mutated" by herr doctor after the torture and such made him a little disgruntled, and the results turn everyone into bloodthirsty freaks who look like Ron Perlman.

But, you see, we find all this out in the final 15 minutes of the movie, at which point the script decides to suddenly not suck. If you're still watching at this point, I congratulate you, because I was near the point of completely losing interest after a pack of virus-crazed vultures chase a pack of non-actors into an RV after they run over Reggie Bannister. (Why they had to kill the only actor with any horror movie significance whatsoever attached to his name in the first 20 minutes just speaks volumes about how infuriating this movie really is.)

The pinnacle moment of pure unfiltered Suck in "The Rage," however, came in the final few minutes. The barrel-chested, long-haired hero and boyfriend to Erin Brown's character, Kat, says to Divoff, "Let her go you crazy madman!"

Not only was the delivery among the worst and most unconvincing I've ever heard, but the tone the actor used would've been more appropriate for something out of a bad Saturday morning cartoon.

Fuck, even my cat jumped off the couch in disgust.

The Verdict:

Would be good for a drunken night of heckling the shit out of a terrible movie, but otherwise, don't waste your money.

the new caffeine craze, c'mon kids, everyone's doing it...

2008-02-22T11:26:00.000-08:00

Being the energy drink connoisseur that I am, I decided to purchase one of these cans of liquid crack last night on a drunken stumble home from a concert. And after ingesting it this morning in lieu of my regular morning coffee, I've come to a shocking conclusion.

This stuff is just horrible. Just fucking horrible.

Each can apparently contains 225 ml of caffeine, which upon consumption I'm pretty sure has the same effect as 4 tabs of pure mescaline. Thank FUCK I finished the godawful concoction before my meeting with 3 editors and the department manager this morning, because I would've been a shaking wreck by the time we got halfway through.

"So Mike, what do you think of the new section we're planning? Should it still launch March 12?"

"PANDAS DO NOT BELONG IN THE MILITARY! ORDERS FROM CAPTAIN ZEEP!!"

*perplexed silence*

"HOBGOBLINS!!!"

After that, I'd likely make a quick escape to save myself the SHAME of having to sit through the rest of the meeting when everyone quite clearly knows I'm already off my goddamned rocker. Might make for a bit of uncomfortable half-hour, wouldn't you say?

Because when you raise this can of terrible liquid to your lips and proceed to pour it down your throat and into your belly, be advised: you are catapulting yourself into a world of shit.

Upon the first few sips, you feel like you're tasting coffee with a small hint of something far more potent and sinister than just caffeine. If you can dismiss the notion that this mystery substance isn't in fact 12 grams of Columbian cocaine, keep drinking. If you do think it's cocaine, for the love of christ, don't drink this stuff in a public place full of strangers, because you're about 20 minutes away from losing your goddamned mind.

Twenty or so minutes. That is the length of time that will pass before you feel much of anything but the slightest whisper of a buzz. If you've had most of the can by now, you might feel twitchy; not unlike the first rising vibes from a double-tall mocha from Starbucks. But after the point where you've put away the majority of the beverage, (or, god help you, the whole thing), it becomes a struggle to stay still and to maintain any composure or rational thought.

The fierce rush of the caffeine suddenly launches itself into an all-guns-blazing assault on your auditory and nervous systems, making all sounds slightly more intense and creating a complete inability to sit still for longer than 5 seconds. The horror you abruptly find yourself in threatens to envelop your mind absolutely, but you soon find you have the power to speak coherently if you concentrate. Otherwise, you end up sounding like a babbling lunatic, and you probably won't look much better than you sound. You'll be wild-eyed, paranoid and downright shaky. Your brain will be screaming at you to regain control of yourself, but the inner voice ends up getting lost in a sea of much more intriguing thoughts, such as

"What...just...happened?! I must understand this madness...wait...wait, who's that? Who is she?! Dear god has she been there the whole time? Maybe she's watching me. Maybe she knows what's happening now. Maybe I look crazy. I should probably go freshen up a bit. Sure, why not? I have to piss anyway. This could be bad business. This feeling...it's....oh wow, wait....there's...WORK...am I......WORKING?! Fuck, I hate when this happens. I'm in the goddamned office and completely unable to hold a coherent thought pattern, AND I HAVE TO WRITE! These bastards won't know what hit them, yes...yes, they'll all PAY, I tell you, PAY...I have to g.."

And then, the mystery woman will float your way from out of nowhere and say your name casually to get your attention on this week's marketing material.

"JESUS GOD, WHAT?!" you croak in response, scaring the living shit out of everyone in a 12-block radius.

"I....thought....well," she'll say, trying not to look petrified, "why don't you look over this and...then...you can get back to me."

"Yes, why don't I do that?!" you'll reply hastily and snatch the papers out of her hand before you know what you're doing.

Another 10 minutes might pass, and you'll begin to feel lost, confused or completely batshit, and then is about the time when you start to think it'd be a good idea to let the world know just what your state of mind is right then. You might write an unscrupulous email to a co-worker; maybe the girl you just scared into resigning. You'll try to explain yourself, but it's no use. You can't think of anything appropriate to say to defuse the awkward situation that just transpired, but you'll send a disjointed attempt at clearing the air anyway.

But, more than likely, it's probably too late. With luck, she'll be scarred only for the next few days, and the boss will be able to talk her out of quitting just because some caffeine-crazed freak blew up at her from out of nowhere for no good reason at all.

But then again, maybe you'll turn back to that wretched beverage the next morning. And then, the office will become a very dangerous place.

february, BEGONE!!

2008-02-22T08:47:00.000-08:00

Corrine comes back on Sunday.

The past six days have felt like an eternity, and I knew they would. And I won't make you all barf by lamenting on & on about how much I miss her, but this week has dragged on at the pace of a crippled snail. AND IT SUCKS.

At least I have plenty to keep me busy, like this godawful deadline I have looming over my head right now that's staring me in the face. Its angry snarl is only getting worse as the minutes tick away, and yet I am strangely unaffected by this. Is it apathy? Lack of motivation? Both? Yes, yes...probably both.

Next weekend, my parents come into town to pay me a visit before my birthday shenanigans render me completely useless for the following week or so. This means two good things are happening in March, my seminal Month of Good Luck, that are already making me want to send February fucking packing:

1.) My parents are going to meet Corrine, which is something that all parties involved are looking forward to;

2.) My birthday falls on a Sunday, which makes that previous Saturday the official party date.

This could be very bad, now that I think about it a bit more. St. Patty's Day falls on a Monday, which is going to be truly horrible for my chances of getting into work on time Tuesday, which is likely the day I'll have to be out driving around lower King County all day interviewing people about their family-owned Scandinavian pastry factories.

The invite list I made for the party is already bursting at the seams, and I fear for the establishment we invade that night before heading to the Mercury. (Did you really think we were going anywhere else?!)

Ah, March. My favorite month of the year. It looms so close.

GO AWAY, FEBRUARY.

an update because I'm dreadfully behind on this thing...

2008-02-20T11:58:00.000-08:00

Note from the Dept. of WTF:

This quickly turned into a post that was originally supposed to be a to-do list. The result is frightening and shouldn't be read aloud while sitting bored in the office on some idle Wednesday afternoon, especially not one like today...no sir...

THOUGHTS:

-Write something on football season for Stereodust (AND UPDATE THAT THING YOU ASSHOLE)

-Look into getting a domain name. Maybe it'll be cheaper than you think. Mikeparker.net? That can't be taken, right? Right.

-BLOG. BLOG. BLOG. Write down the weird shit that goes through your head all day. You know you could sit here and type about anything all day and only the strongest-willed and soundest of mind could possibly labor through all of it. DON'T BULLSHIT YOURSELF, PARKER! See, you're doing it again. And that was only, what, 3 lines? Jesus.

-We believe, we believe....ah, god those nights on the dance floor are so liberating, aren't they? Fuck me, go see a show sometime soon. Go to And One tomorrow. It'll be FUN.

-I miss Corrine. I love her. It's maddeningly obvious by now. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, but it also makes the netherregions antsy and impatient as hell. Having her around just makes...everything better. I'm told our "cuteness" makes everyone else roll their eyes and yell some kind of barf-inducing comment about how...barf...inducing...we are...wait.....I....to hell with this, next thought:

-Fucking christ, I'm hungry. I'll be needing some sustinence soon. But when? It's 10:40 a.m. and I HAD breakfast this morning...what is this strange gurgling puking feeling that's surging up in my gut right about now? Maybe I'll take lunch early...escape the office for at least an hour anFUCK I have to go to Auburn today and take pictures of some weird bike-parts shop that used to be a junkyard or some crazy thing.

-It's the 3-year anniversary of Hunter's death today. It's a sobering thought that three years ago tonight, I was a raving, jabbering mess, feeling as though my guiding light had been suddenly blown out and I'd been left in the dark for the rest of time. The shock of hearing the news for the first time was almost unbearable, but the world has continued on without him, in a downward spiral that is almost turning his final predictions of a bleaker world into a frightening reality.

Jesus, I just read an exercpt from something I posted while on drugs from three years. That was unsettling.

God dammit all, it's almost noon and I haven't found the motivation to do JACK SHIT yet today, and that could be very bad in the foreseeable future. I think I've been writing, but....wait...what have I been writing?! You tell me, and then we'll go from there. Deal?! OK.

AND I'M STILL FUCK-ALL HUNGRY!

Why the hell are you still reading this?!

divisional weekend picks

2008-01-11T17:46:00.000-08:00

As soon as I saw Marcus Trufant grab that horribly thrown Todd Collins lob that seemed to be more intended for Trufant than whatever oblivious receiver he was aiming for, I knew the tides were dramatically shifting in not only that memorable Wild Card win, but for the rest of Seahawks postseason.

If that seems like a bold statement, well, I have no brilliant retort. The Seahawks are the heavily criticized underdog going into tomorrow's game at Lambeau, I know that much. I also know they're as deadly as any postseason counterparts out there right now, but flying under the radar is what they've always done best. They come out, they play, and their defense eats 220-lb quarterbacks alive. Actually, now that I think about it a bit, this is the first starting QB the 'hawks have gone up against in the past seven games - the rest have been backup fodder.

But the fact that it's Brett Favre does scare the piss out of me. Just a little bit. Hell, I won't lie, I probably won't sleep much tonight. I'll probably resort to drinking away this strange & uneasy feeling and wake up tomorrow hoping I can conquer a hangover in time to make it across town to watch the game with some friends who will no doubt be in the same mental state as I will, but ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT from me, I'll babble on forever and your heads will be spinning like tops while I sit here chugging more porter and you're left wondering who the fuck I actually am and what I'm spiking my beer with. (And no, you can't have any.)

Divisional playoff weekend picks:

Seattle over GREEN BAY

This, in my humble opinion, WILL be the NFC game to watch this weekend. You can have your Cowboys/Giants matchup, with Tony Romo looking like a lost puppy for 3 quarters while the Giants' defensive line licks their chops and eats the bastard for breakfast and turns him upside down for his lunch money and Jessica Simpson's phone number. WHOOPS! I heard she wasn't allowed in the stadium tomorrow, which I think is both a good idea and crazily silly at the same time. Since when does a woman's presence at a football game have that much bearing on its outcome?! Does this mean I can't bring anymore dates to Seahawk games?! Are they really even interested in the first place?! Do they think I'm nuts?!?

No, no...you know who's fucking bat-shit right about now?! Chris Collinsworth. During the Seahawks-Redskins game last week, he mentioned Sean Taylor's name 284 times in the span of one quarter. He even resorted to saying "AT LEAST THREE OF THE REDSKINS BELIEVE SEAN TAYLOR IS ON THE FIELD WITH THEM RIGHT NOW" at one point. Fucking christ, I thought, either the guy's turning into Billy Graham or he's searching for his own ill-fated feel-good story that's destined to be churned out by Disney and Sean Astin in another 6 months. Oh, wait, they already did that.

The Seahawks might be facing a horrendous amount of pressure with this game on the line - there's more to it than just the score, if you've been paying attention as of late. Mike Holmgren might base his potential retirement on the outcome, and it woud be a gigantic achievement to one-up Favre at Lambeau in the playoffs, where they've been defeated only once. And guess what, folks, the magic number is "one" here, because that's how many road playoff victories the Seahawks have to date.

Despite the lack of a potent running game, the Seahawks have a list of options that's longer than Bill Gates' resume'. They can throw to their fullback (who can break tackles and score). They can confuse defenses with the complicated formations that come in the West Coast Offense package. They can contain pressure on Hasselbeck and make huge plays, especially with this group of inexperienced and young Packers.

Favre alone can't hold a team together, and the Seahawks have been here before. They know what's at stake here, and I simply can't shun the fact that their arsenal of weapons has a) playoff experience and b) a solid matchup on every position on the field. It'll be close, but count on the Seahawks to go in for the kill when it counts.

Jacksonville at NEW ENGLAND

You're going to think Chris Collinsworth is taking a back seat to me in the gone-totally-bat-shit category when I say this, but the Jaguars pulled out a pretty improbable win at Pittsburgh last weekend, and I think they have the right squad to be the one team this year that spoils the New England Patriots' run at perfection.

Winning in Foxborough is no easy task, don't get me wrong - but after watching Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew combine to make the most ridiculously unstoppable running back duo in the NFL, you can't tell me they aren't capable of staying on the field for hours at a time and pound the living shit out of New England's defense for most of a half. Plus, let's be honest for a second - keeping Tom Brady off the field is pretty much a must if you're planning on beating the Patriots, whether it's in New England, Jacksonville, Australia or the moon.

But even with guys like Marcus Stroud on IR, the Jags' defense is a force to be reckoned with, and the Pats have to respect that. Maroney can be stopped, so the secondary is going to have to step up and play out-of-their-mind football to stop Moss. Don't be surprised to see them go dime-formation on pretty much every down to contain guys like Welker and Jabar Gaffney, who gets the "who the fuck is this guy?!" award for the second half of the season on a team that seemed to leave no room for anyone else.

(Also, if David Garrard throws anywhere above two picks by the third quarter, I renounce everything I've said and the Jags are fucked. Just sayin'.)

INDIANAPOLIS over San Diego

Remember last week when I said Norv Turner's collapse will have to wait another week until after an unconvincing win over the Titans? Well, guess what, kids!

THE WAIT IS OVER.

Phillip Rivers is the worst QB in the playoffs, and he proved that last week by throwing more idiot long bombs into enemy territory than a blind Japanese infantry soldier at the battle of Normandy.

The Chargers may have ran away with a win in that game, but keep in mind they were down 6-0 for three quarters until Vince Young decided to hand over the aforementioned "worst QB in the playoffs" award to Rivers and say "here, take it and RUN TO INDY! Why would I want to take my team there and get destroyed 35-0 on national television?! Go right ahead!! AAHAHA!!"

Or, something like that at least. I'm not sure what was going on inside his head at that moment, but I'm not paid to figure out shit like that.

I mean, doesn't it just make you laugh out loud when you think about the QB matchup in this game?! Phil Rivers vs. Peyton Manning. Try to say that a couple times in your head and see if you're not at least grinning maniacally by the end of it. Okay, I've had a few drinks, maybe it's only funny if you're me, right here, right now. Who knows?!

Oh, and LT, sorry in advance at the sea of laughter you'll get when you're shown on the sideline sulking and refusing to sit on the same bench as your quarterback. It's okay, we understand.

New York Giants over DALLAS

I dunno about you, but all I can think about right now is last year's infamous Romo-snap-botch that led the Cowboys to fall flat on their faces up here in Seattle, and the glorious array of animated gif's that followed (most of which still even entertain me today.)

Now, I'm not saying that Romo will pull another stupendous blunder when it counts this year, but I really think the Giants are a better team right now. They dismantled a versatile but predictable Tampa Bay team last week on their home turf, after the Giants' defensive coordinator just sat there WATCHING THE GAME for any period of time. Jeff Garcia was easy to figure out, and his pass protection was iffy at best. They exploited the Bucs' weaknesses and it ended up being a blowout by the 4th quarter because of that.

Ask yourself this question: If the Giants played that well last weekend and nearly beat the Patriots in Foxborough, are the Cowboys really going to be able to stand up what they're going to throw at them? I have a seriously goddamned hard time believing that Tony Romo isn't going to pull another "blame-Jessica-Simpson" act when all is said and done.

And hey, maybe T.O. might plan on making headlines again with another attention-whore tactic disguised as a suicide attempt!

(Don't call me sick & twisted, the NFL season is almost over and I need to start thinking of things that're gonna amuse me in the meantime.)

wild card weekend preview

2008-01-04T09:42:00.000-08:00

The time is upon us.

The 2007 NFL postseason is only a day away, and my heart races at the prospect of watching my Seahawks take on the Washington Redskins tomorrow afternoon at Qwest Field.

And yes, I'll admit, it's partially from a fairly rabid state of being as fired up as a coked-up bank robber stepping into Wells Fargo, and partially apprehension at facing a touted rival on an emotionally-driven hot streak.

It's insane to think that the Seahawks are facing a rival that dealt with so much emotional turmoil this year, with the shooting death of one of its best players, safety Sean Taylor. It's hard to root against them, that much is for sure, but the matchup has the innerworkings of a game you'll definitely want to watch. (Word to the jinx committee: I'm not calling a final score with respect to you & the karma gods.)

I will, however, call 'em as I see 'em, and the rest of the playoff picture in my Wild Card Weekend picks...

SEATTLE over Washington

Follow the Sports Guys' advice...

Do NOT pick a bad or otherwise obscure QB on the road in the playoffs. It's just not what you want to do, no matter if the Vegas odds are luring you into pissing your money away or taking a "sleeper" bet (whatever the hell that means anyway.)
You should especially not go with this type of pick when they're coming to a tough stadium for a playoff game that's bound to be as intense as the final few minutes of every Michael Bay movie ever made. Just don't do it.
And, my friends, Todd Collins is just that kind of bet. Seattle's going to be firing on all cylinders and they're going to play to win.

Jags over STEELERS

Even if Shitsburgh pulls a win out of their banged-up asses in this lopsided matchup (which, by the way, doesn't matter in the slightest that it's being played at slop-covered Heinz Field) they won't get very far past that unless they start feeding their practice squad truckloads of steroids, vodka and PCP.
The Jags don't give up leads, and though David Garrard isn't a quarterback that's going to win a game for your team singlehandedly, he sure as hell won't lose one for you, either. Their one-two punch in RBs Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor doesn't just have the advantage here because they can actually walk and are going up against 3rd-string defensive ends, but they're just plain better than Najeh Davenport. (Note: Is it just me, or is this postseason the Year of the Obscure? Najeh Davenport, LaRon Landry, Earnest Graham, Todd Collins and Jeff Garcia are the names we're invariably dropping a lot when discussions involving starting lineups begin. Six months ago, I would've recognized two of those names, and only vaguely. What the hell?!)

TAMPA BAY over NY Giants

Look, I don't care about the Little Manning excuses/defenses/justifications of throwing 5 picks in one half. He's probably the 2nd-weakest starting QB in the playoff behind Vince Young (THE MADDEN CURSE CLAIMS YET ANOTHER VICTIM) and seems to look more than a little lost out there at times.
Meanwhile, the Bucs' defense is playing like they're actually real pirates, plundering and pillaging opponents' offensive schemes, despite the fact that the team overall looked apathetic at best over the past two weeks of the regular season. I think they can count on experience of Jeff Garcia and the emergence of Earnest Graham as everyone's favorite fantasy RB sleeper this year to help them come on out on top, but Little Manning might channel some big-brother power (hell, Peyton IS on a bye week) and shock the living shit out of the entire population of the state of Florida. Even if most of them are too old to hear it.

CHARGERS over Titans

It's amazing how Phillip Rivers still has the respect of any fan in San Diego after visibly yelling "SHUT UP!!!" to the fans about a month or so ago. To top it off, there was that unflattering incident with the Broncos that might still rest firm in the recent memory banks of both teams - especially when LT had his helmet chucked halfway to Mexico at one point during the game - but the Chargers should be high-powered enough to easily forge a victory on their own turf against a QB who's been hit with the Madden Curse.
(That of course means the Titans could theoretically blow a 36-point lead in the 4th quarter at the 2-minute warning, by definition.)
The cards are stacked way too high against the Titans in this one. Shit, some people don't even think they should be in the playoffs to begin with, but here they are, flying to San Diego with a bulls-eye painted on their chests and a sign on their asses that says "PLACE FOOT HERE." DOOMED, I tell you.
Still, this doesn't change the fact that Norv Turner is inevitably going to lead Rivers and company into a full-fledged freefall next week, because they're from San Diego and probably can't handle an outdoor stadium in January anywhere except Southern California.

On the bright side, after next week they'll have plenty of time to watch reruns of "The OC."

Week 15 picks pt. 2

2007-12-15T21:07:00.000-08:00

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh

I don't hope the Jaguars win so much as I hope the Steelers lose. And keep losing. They have a loudmouth nobody for a starting safety and an overwhelming amount of jackasses littered throughout their entire roster. Besides, they're not playing like they have a 9-4 record (I don't care if they just lost at New England) and Jacksonville is heating up like crazy. If any team in the AFC stands a snowball's chance in hell at beating New England, it's the Jags.

Seattle at Carolina

The Panthers have had more starting quarterbacks this year than Tom Brady has girlfriends, but it doesn't matter. Any QB they throw against the Seahawks is going to get put through four quarters of being harassed by a human garbage disposal and a couple of bloodthirsty pumas - Seattle defensive studs Patrick Kerney, Julian Peterson and Daryl Tapp.
And isn't Carolina something like No. 33 in special teams this year? If their punting unit is stupid enough to kick to Nate Burleson, I'm taking a drink every time that happens. I don't care if the game starts at 10 a.m. here. I don't!
And if Nate scores a TD on a punt or kickoff return, I'm breaking out the Jager.

Green Bay at St. Louis

I'm just gonna call it right now - the final score of this game will be a lot to a little. The Rams might have gotten some offensive spunk back, but even if Marc Bulger comes back from his 204 injuries he's suffered this season, it won't be enough to stop the Packers' explosive offense with Favre throwing like it's 1995.
On a side note, i think Al Harris and Stephen Jackson should compare dreadlocks before the game starts to see which one of them gets to take home the "Best Predator Look-alike" trophy.

Baltimore at Miami

This is a potentially catastrophic matchup for a Dolphins team that's more battered and beaten down then the average housewife in the state of Texas.
The Ravens are mad as hell and they're not gonna take it anymore, but that of course doesn't necessarily mean they'll sprout some kind of miraculous late-season resurgence and actually start winning games. It does mean, however, that the possibility of them hitting Cleo Lemon harder than a freight train smacking into a scarecrow is very real. If I were Cam Cameron right about now, I'd keep Dan Marino's number on speed dial. It's either that or get ready to dust off Jeff George.

Arizona at New Orleans

After starting the season like he was a blinded gimp, Drew Brees has hit the stride that bitter fantasy owners everywhere expected him to hit in Week 1. (Cough.)
They may be without Reggie Bush, but the Saints look like they're not gonna be stopped by Hell or high water (or the city of New Orleans in August of 2005) on making a playoff run for the second year in a row. Naturally, they could manage to fall apart at just the right moment and reduce Sean Payton's nerves to fried jell-o, but I'm taking them to beat an Arizona team that got its ass handed to it up here in Seattle last weekend. Neither team is a sleeper by any means, and if you disagree, you're the one who's probably asleep.

Buffalo at Cleveland

If you told me in Week 2 or 3 that this game in Week 15 would be a pivotal playoff matchup for two playoff contenders, I'd have laughed at your utterly bat-shit clairvoyant abilities.
After reading the disturbingly high number of headlines from Cleveland newspapers that included the term "Cleveland steamer," though, I'm this close to being a full-blown believer that the Browns (and possibly the Vikings) could be the league's two scariest squads on the rise right now. And the craziest part? Before this year, no one knew who the hell that kid Derek Anderson was. Now, he'll probably have half the NFL banging down his door during the offseason.
I don't see a way for Buffalo, the "good bad team," to find a way to stop Anderson and his favorite target Braylon Edwards at home.

Washington at NY Giants

Sentiment aside for the 'Skins, I hate to be an asshole analyst (does anyone else wonder if it's just a coincidence that "analyst" is "anal" with a -yst added at the end?!), but the Giants are playing pretty damn good ball right now. If they have a weakness, it's Eli, and the depleted Redskins defense should try to eat him alive every chance they get.
I'd love to see the Redskins pull of an unlikely underdog victory, but I'm not sure if I see that happening.

Indy at Oakland

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HAhAhaha. HA. HAha. haha. hahaha.

Next.

Week 15 picks

2007-12-13T14:29:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know, I know - I slacked on half the picks from last week, but I blame my job forcing me to write about shit that isn't nearly as exciting as football. (Yes, I am actually a professional journalist. Imagine that?! A blogger who doubles as a real journalist. That's like Spider-Man's real identity being Batman. It's just that cool.)

Some intriguing matchups are on the board this week, and I'm still on a gigantic natural high after watching my Seahawks pound the living shit out of the Cardinals to seal up their fourth consecutive NFC West title. And before you start scoffing at the credibility of the NFC West, might I refer you to the projections made before the season began that the 49ers would somehow rocket their way into winning the division while the Seahawks cracked under the pressure of a tough schedule.

Oh ye of little faith....

Week 15 Picks - favorite in bold

Cincinnati vs. San Francisco

For all his strange touchdown celebrations involving a TV camera, a football, a top hat and sadly no baby from the stands as I conjectured last week, Chad Johnson is a great example of a great player on a talented team that can't seem to make big plays when it matters. Frank Caliendo's sign last week said it best: "HEY, JACKASS, YOUR TEAM IS STILL 5-8!"
Still, a visit to San Francisco this year in the NFL is all but a guaranteed win, except if your team happens to be the Miami Dolphins. I think the Sunny Oaks Senior Citizens' team in Boca Raton stands a chance against them right now.

Tennessee vs. Kansas City

When you have a human garbage disposal like Albert Haynesworth on your defensive line, any opposing team's running back isn't going to sleep very well the night before the game. I mean, look at Kolby Smith - he's a banged-up rookie on a struggling team who had a couple promising moments, but I'm sure Haynesworth will be staring him down before every snap and picturing how good he'd look as a side dish to a Brodie Croyle or Damon Huard entree. Yikes.

Atlanta vs. Tampa Bay

The Falcons now get the award for "Most Demoralized Team in NFL history." Seriously, how can they even bring themselves to playing football right now? Their one-man highlight reel of a QB is currently taking showers with huge men that aren't football players, their coach just packed up and took off in the middle of the night as if he were a drunk who suddenly woke up surrounded by fat chicks, they're on their 45th starting quarterback for the year, and their top-tier running back is Jerious Norwood. Next.

San Diego vs. Detroit

This is my "Mike, what the hell are you thinking?!" pick of the week. I know the Chargers are probably going to dominate the Lions (or, as my buddy Timmay in Detroit likes to call them, the "Loins,") but Phillip Rivers is playing like he's never seen a football before and has been seen on national television telling his own fans in his own stadium to "SHUT UP." Besides, it's only a matter of time until Norv Turner cracks like an egg and LT calls another players-only meeting that turns into a group intervention. Kitna, listen up: Pray to your favorite divine entity extra-hard Saturday night, because you don't want to be 6-8.

New England vs. NY Jets

Everyone's going to be watching this one just for the sheer amusement factor of the post-game handshake (if it's even going to be that) between Bill Bellichick and Eric Mangini. It's the exact same reason why people watch reality TV. It's like a car wreck you just can't look away from. ADMIT IT!
I think Bellichick should just leave a camera and a note in the Jets' locker room before the game that says, "Feel free to use at your own discretion."

Part II to come....

week 14 picks - part 2

2007-12-07T19:50:00.000-08:00

Green Bay vs. Oakland

No matter if Iron Man Favre is still banged up or not, the Packers are going to send Oakland packing. If Favre is healthy, (which looks like what we're gonna see), then expect him to fire long bombs to Greg Jennings and Donald Driver over the Raiders' heads before the Black Hole in the Bay Area knows what the hell's going on.
I don't care if the RAIDUHS start JaMarcus Russell, LaMont Jordan or Shaquille O'Neal. I think they have a serious hangover from an abysmal 2006 season, which comes concurrently with a permanent case of Art Shell Face.
OK, maybe not permanent, but I'm predicting someone needs to kill Al Davis before anything actually goes right for this team.

NY Giants vs. Philadelphia

How pissed do the Eagles have to be by now? They left Foxborough with a would-be victory two weeks ago, and then Seattle came to town and Lofa Tatupu singlehandedly took a crap on any collective morale they would've built up after that point. Headlines in the City of Brotherly Love said the Eagles have "lost that lovin' Feeley" in reference of course to backup QB A.J Feeley throwing more completions to Seahawks in the first quarter than he did to his own team.
Meanwhile, Ol' Eli is teetering on the verge of another second-half collapse with the Giants, and they have to be equally pissed off. I can only imagine Tom Coughlin's face during practice, and whether or not Eli painted a Hitler mustache on his portrait in the locker room yet.

Minnesota vs. San Francisco

If Tavaris Jackson can stop looking like he's constantly watching a 10-car pileup involving some of his family members in rush hour traffic, the Vikes might be able to magically create themselves a passing game. If not, then they're gonna stick to the old "give AP the ball" strategy and let him run for another 574 yards in six minutes. I think he might even set Mike Nolan's Annoying Power Tie #23 on fire if he gets close enough to the sideline.
And any Niners fan who reads this and gets defensive, please. Take a Vicodin and go back to sleep, because that's what your team's been doing all season anyway.

Tennessee vs. San Diego
Why did LT wait 11 weeks before calling a players-only meeting that said "hey guys, um...maybe we're underachieving just a bit here." And then they fire back with an explosive bludgeoning of the paper-thin Denver Broncos defense and fooled the world into thinking they were the same team from the 2006 season.
Sorry, San Diego, but when your entire crowd is audibly chanting the former coach's name on national television during an embarrassing loss, you're a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
Still, the Titans are on the skids, and LT is looking like his former-MVP self. But I'm still being cautious with this one.

week 14 picks

2007-12-06T00:11:00.000-08:00

I know I'm coming in late with these, but that's what I get for waiting to start this blog until all the sure-fire winners and losers have braved the slaughter and reared their ugly heads after 13 weeks of intense football brutality. Have you SEEN some of these injury reports? By now, the Dolphins are probably putting up ads in the classified section of the Miami Herald for 300-pound men under the age of 25 who can absorb the impact of 11 other human behemoths trying like hell to kill the guy behind them. No, really, go look. (And if you're a Dolphins fan who happens to be reading this, I know even YOU'RE laughing by now.)

Week 14 picks - part I

(picks in bold)

Seattle vs. Arizona

If I were Ken Wiesenhunt right about now, I'd start praying for a miracle. He's taking his team up here to Qwest Field to face a Seahawks squad Sunday (alliteration is fun, kids!) that includes at least three defensive players who make a routine habit of eating opposing quarterbacks alive. The cards played in the Cards' favor (I'll stop with the puns, I swear) during the two teams' Week 2 meeting when Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander had an epic communication breakdown that cost a crucial possession, and an ensuing loss by a Neil Rackers field goal. With Arizona scrambling to fill empty roster slots in their secondary because of season-ending injuries to CB Eric Green and SS Adrian Wilson, I'd be shocked to see Deion Branch and Bobby Engram not be halfway across the Pacific Ocean before anyone catches them.
By the way, Eric Green's injury is listed as "torn groin." When it comes to my groin, there's a few words I don't want to hear, and "torn" has got to be up there in the top 3.

Buffalo vs. Miami

I can't help but just feel bad for Miami by now. They've lost half their team to crippling injuries and rookie QB John Beck can't seem to do anything except throw a screen pass and stare in perpetual shock. In their last four games, they haven't scored more than 13 points, and they've blown more big games than any team in the league put together. Fortunately for Miami, they still have a snowball's chance in hell at victory this Sunday, because the Bills are one of the 10 or 12 teams in the league suffering from Quarterback Deficiency Syndrome and their marquee RB is more banged up than John McClane at the end of "Die Hard." But it'd be fun to see the Pats go undefeated and the Dolphins not win a game. AND! They're in the same division. Has that ever happened?! Someone call Guinness.

St. Louis vs. Cincinnati

In Week 2 or 3, I'd have dubbed this game "The Anemic Offense Bowl," but since the return of Stephen Jackson and his magical Rastafarian haircut, the Rams haven't completely sucked. Their problem still lies in the fact that their starting QB looks like a librarian and his ribs are trying desperately to stay broken. Furthering that plight is their backup, Gus Frerrote, commonly seems to get his own team's jerseys confused with his opponent's, and the results are roughly three times more interceptions than TD passes. I'm no scientist, but this should equate to a QB rating of roughly -201.
Anyone want to make predictions on how ridiculous Chad Johnson's end zone celebrations are going to be this time around? Maybe he'll climb the wall and steal a baby and pretend to punt it through the goalposts. Does Vegas have a line on this?!

Cleveland vs. NY Jets

The Jets proved that they actually can score touchdowns last week when they stomped on the Dolphins 40-17.
Then again, that was the Dolphins.
Though Cleveland ranks at a relatively abysmal #30 in the league in pass defense, their offense is as explosive as a case of post-Taco Bell diarrhea. (And for once, that's actually a good metaphor.) QB Derek Anderson has emerged from obscurity to shape the team into an AFC Wild Card contender and to prompt headlines that feature a disturbingly high amount of the term "Cleveland Steamer." I bet the Ravens are slapping themselves right now when they realize that they not only dished out Anderson to a division rival that's now outplaying them on both sides of the field, but their former RB Jamal Lewis is now steamrolling his way to a Top-10 ranked fantasy back. (There's that goddamned expression again!!)
Did I mention the Jets' defense isn't just anemic, it's bulimic? It's like Kate Moss at an all-night buffet. It's horrible.

Dallas vs. Detroit

Wade Phillips might be known to be collapse under pressure in the playoffs (ironically a lot like Romo did last year), but as far as collapses go, the Lions have no one to blame except either God or John Kitna. Or both, if you think about Kitna's bold would-be prophecy of the team winning 10 games this year before the season started.
Kitna, take a lesson from the Joey Porter School of Good Times to Shut the Hell Up - don't be the 6,483rd athlete in the past decade to a) incorporate God somehow into your gameplan and b) come out blabbing to half the planet about setting the bar ridiculously high for a team that has a history of more flops than Brian De Palma. (Don't get me wrong, I love De Palma, but the box office doesn't.)
I mean, crap, even T.O. wasn't that vocal before the season started! Jesus! (Literally!)

the tuna curse

2007-11-29T15:30:00.000-08:00

No team in football would be more justified in drinking the kool-aid in a mass suicide than the Miami Dolphins.

A number of reasons first brought this all-too-morbid but all-too-realistic thought into my twisted brain Monday night, primarily when Ricky Williams's epic three-minute comeback took a faceplant into the sloppy playing surface of Heinz Field.

Williams' desperate resurrection by the 0-11 Dolphins turned out to be nothing more than the 284th season-ending injury the team accrued this season. They've got more rookies and practice-squad fodder and undrafted free agents playing games against teams that tear them a new asshole every Sunday than a Satanist at an evangelical rally, and the lack of experience is all too easy to spot by now. Going into Week 13, I'm pretty sure the combined age of the Dolphins' entire starting lineup is still younger than Brett Favre.

Preceding Williams on Miami's' 200-page manuscript of injuries this season was quarterback Trent Green suffering a blow to the head from a 400-pound linebacker who was charging like a rhino after the ball carrier and happened to step on Green in the process. As you can imagine, that didn't end very well.

I know they wear helmets in football, but if you watch the replay on this injury, it actually makes you fall over a little bit.

Before that was Ronnie Brown tearing his ACL after he posted 4 games in a row of 100-plus yards and looked like the only Miami Dolphin who had a pulse. His total of 4 rushing touchdowns is probably the highest that number is going to get for the rest of the team until sometime in mid-2009.

This trifecta of terror for the ill-fated Miami team - nightmarish injuries to Williams, Green and Brown - isn't the end of their problems, though. Linebacker Derrick Pope unknowingly acted on the feeling that the rest of his team no doubt shares when he recently told espn.com his reasons for checking himself into a hospital.

"I didn't feel well and thought I needed medical attention," Pope said.

Is anyone really surprised that right after this, linebacker Zach Thomas suddenly developed migraines?! This can't be a coincidence.

And then, in what was clearly a definitive act of throwing in the proverbial towel, head coach Cam Cameron dished away top wide receiver Chris Chambers to the San Diego Chargers for a 2nd-round draft pick, a 10-pound bag of beer nuts and a $25 Starbucks gift card.

Cameron might as well have gone on national television after that trade, waving a white flag and reciting Ed Harris's "Fuck you! Fuck the lot of you, fuck you all!" speech in "Glengarry Glen Ross" to the press and leaving in a whirlwind of blind rage that would've made Denny Green blush.

The Dolphins are screwed, pure and simple. The fact that they still have yet to take a trip to Foxborough to take on the Patriots 2 days before Christmas is probably the most depressing thing about their dismal season thus far, because the Patriots dropped 49 points on Miami in their last meeting, IN MIAMI. I think Roger Goodell should just step in and make up some kind of mercy rule on the fly before the Dolphins end up like Apollo Creed in Rocky IV.

Meanwhile, I'll be at home tonight, trying desperately to convince my cable company to suddenly acquire an option to add the NFL Network into my monthly plan. I'm sure all 40 people who get to watch the Packers/Cowboys game tonight will be talking about it for weeks.

Sigh.

an introduction...a recap of a brutal 1-yard standoff...another successful Sunday

2007-11-28T12:56:00.000-08:00

Right when the St. Louis Rams began a last-ditch drive into the Seattle Seahawks' territory in the final minutes of Sunday's action, the possibility of another tragic 4th-quarter collapse loomed dangerously close.

Apparently, Rams backup quarterback Gus Frerrote had other ideas.

He bobbled a 4th-and-goal snap at the Seattle 1-yard line, which gave Seahawks defensive end Daryl Tapp just enough time to swoop around half of the Rams' depleted offensive line like a heat-seeking missile and charg into Frerotte as if he was Slobodan Milosevic's house.

It ended up being the final play in an almost unbearably-intense few minutes in an admittedly ugly Seahawks' victory, but as they say - in this league, a win is a win.

Let's look at this for a second. The Rams went on a 2-game win streak before meeting an untimely end at the hands of Matt Hasselbeck and co., and after losing their previous eight games, the city of St. Louis finally had something in professional football to cheer about again. Hell, espn.com even went so far in pre-game analysis to say that if the Rams won this game, "they would have a clear shot at clinching the NFC West."

A St. Louis sports columnist even pondered this possibility. It was then that I realized something in Steven Jackson's hair was probably being used in a mass hypnosis ritual by the city of New Orleans in the same voodoo spell that was the only explanation for the first half of the Saints' 2007 season.

When I read such inexplicable praise for the Rams, it was a kind of out-of-body experience. Did the Seahawks suddenly plunge to a level of unfiltered Suck in the eyes of the nation over the course of one simple week? A week when they pulled a hard-fought comeback victory against the Bears? A week when Patrick Kerney played like he was chasing a lumbering beast of a quarterback with 10 times the skills of Rex Grossman? (Whose only similarity to a "beast" of any kind ends with the name "Rex.")

The Seahawks are better than that. They play the game, get it done, and look increasingly formidable as the weeks progress. Figuring out a weird offensive strategy throughout the first 8 games of this season was of course the major plight tugging at the edges of Mike Holmgren's moustache, but - amazingly enough - once Shaun Alexander suffered 18 more injuries in five minutes of playing, something suddenly clicked when he was taken out of the equation.

The offense looks fierce with Mo Morris starting at tailback, Leonard Weaver becoming Mack Strong Incarnate, Hasselbeck throwing long bombs that could sail halfway to Japan. The Seahawk defense looks even more ferocious, with a trio of linebackers leading the charge that would probably survive a week without weapons in a forest full of man-eating grizzly bears.

As safety Deion Grant said to a reporter recently, "it's just a matter of all the pieces coming together."

The victory against the Rams should hopefully silence the silly surge of hope in St. Louis that their Rams even had a snowball's chance in Hell of stealing the division away from the Seahawks - with or without the use of voodoo from Steven Jackson's dreadlocks that make him resemble Arnold Schwartzenegger's title nemesis from "Predator."

This Sunday in Philly is looking to be the Seahawks most daunting game to date, with the exception of the Steelers game we won't talk about. The unlikely Eagles gave the undefeated Patriots a run for their money on national television, IN NEW ENGLAND, this Sunday, and even though the jury is still out on whether they can outplay themselves to death for two consecutive weeks, it's going to be a battle on both sides of the field.

I'm calling it "Bird Wars Part 1" - with following games against the Cardinals and Ravens assuming the titles of Part 2 and 3. (Does the NFL think of these things for columnists to use when they figure out teams' schedules every year?!)

And let's hope for another McBadd sighting during the game. More meat for Kerney & co. to feast on is always a fun thing to watch.